Sometimes I feel like kicking myself now that I can see the big picture, but it would be illogical to punish myself for possessing superior insight, not to mention the act of kicking myself would be physically impossible due to my destabilizing inner-ear condition. It began with Faris' cross-dressing antics in Final Fantasy V, but I paid little attention to it at the time, as Squaresoft simply rushed the game and didn't bother with the storyline at all (thankfully remedied later!). A glitch in Final Fantasy VI allowed Celes and Terra to equip swords and armor, and this was inexplicably never corrected before the release date! Ever heard of playtesting, guys? Final Fantasy VII caused further decay by killing off the only female character who wasn't a preppy tomboy, and was only able to remain relevant due to the heart-wrenching portrayal of Tifa and her many flashbacks. It reached breaking point in Final Fantasy X-2 and its parade of harlots, universally regarded by true RPG gamers as the worst game ever made. What am I talking about? *sigh*, I knew I'd have to spell it out to you: I'm talking about the role of women in RPGs, and why they shouldn't have one.
It is a proven fact that 99% of women are sluts who only date jerks. Believe me, I know! On the eve of the Cockburn Springs Harvest Dance, I propositioned a local lass by the name of Jessica Hillhouse in the traditional way, by sending her a pastry-based confection of my own devising. Less than 24 hours later, I discovered that the pastry-based confection had been returned, uneaten, to my doorstep, accompanied only by a hastily-scrawled note rendered largely indecipherable by the evening's recent downpour. I was able to make out "oily complexion" (A reference to the consistency of the icing - nobody is perfect, Jessica!), "unwashed" (I'll admit that I did not adequately clean my spoons after use, but some of us have lives!) and "creepy guy who keeps staring at me" (A prying neighbor?), but as to the true intent of the message, I hadn't the faintest idea. I took my scooter to Jessica's house to inquire further, but her twin sister informed me that she was out of town and would not be returning until the following week. My plans for the harvest dance in ruins, I returned home and played Final Fantasy VI instead.
The following morning, my ape-like friend Darren drunkenly lurched into my house to tell me what an "awesome" night he'd had. "Groping some cheerleader is hardly 'awesome', Darren" I sighed wearily. "That didn't actually happen, Tony, and our highschool doesn't even have a cheer squa--" "It's so pathetic", I chuckled derisively, "that you were out all night killing braincells with booze and trying to 'score', while I was learning about love, hate and determination from Final Fantasy VI. It's no wonder you slackers are so obsessed with base stimulation rather than intellectual pursuits". Dumbfounded by my rapier-sharp observation, he stood silent for a few seconds before feebly replying "I just remembered that I have to go. By the way, Jessica said 'Hi'".
"Jessica was there?"
"Yeah, with what's-his-name from the football team"
So, Jessica had gotten her twin sister to lie to me, and taken this football-playing jock to the dance in my stead! I am what is known as a 'nice guy', and it is a blight on our society that 'nice guys' are so often overlooked by women in favour of sports-loving, obnoxious jerks. After thinking about it while listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack, I came to the following conclusion: it isn't actually the women's fault that they're attracted to these assholes; they simply cannot control their emotions (as evidenced by Tifa, Quistis, Terra, Rosa and this informative website) and are irresistibly drawn toward jerks. This is because, thousands of years ago (not during the War of the Magi ^_^;;) when we lived in caves, it was the strong, powerful cavemen who were the best at surviving, and gave women the security they desperately craved as they could not defend themselves. But, with the advent of reading, writing, and, of course RPGs, society has evolved (although I use the term loosely!), and it is no longer the wife-beating oaf that's 'top dog'. Yet, women have not changed at all. Their desire for an abusive alcoholic slacker jock is built into their DNA, and they lack the emotional and mental strength to override their programming.
If you're a jerk, I can tell you're laughing at me and making assumptions based on a half-baked stereotype.
If you're a true RPG gamer like me, however, I know you'll be nodding your head. If there's a better explanation of why a self-respecting girl would choose some football-playing asshole over enlightened intellectuals such as ourselves, I'd like to hear it!
But what does this have to do with RPGs? RPG characters are there to set an example. Cecil teaches us that it's wrong to kill people if you don't want to. Cloud teaches us that you should always do what is right, even if you're under mind control. Barret teaches us that, underneath their 'ebonics', negroids have feelings. Shadow resembles me at a point in my life when I thought nothing mattered, but his redemption inspired me to begin writing this column and give something back to the community.
Yuna, Aeris and Rinoa all set excellent examples for girls of all ages, because they choose the nice guy over the jerk. Even though he may not talk to them, or acknowledge them, or treat them with respect, they stick by the nice guy because he is inherently more deserving. If girls would spend less time doing their hair and more time playing RPGs, they might actually improve (although I would still expect them to put some effort into their appearance, I'd say 70% - 75% of what they were doing previously. Shaving their legs, obviously, and staying within an acceptable weight zone, but perfume doesn't really matter unless it's a special occasion). And yet, this potential is being destroyed by games like Final Fantasy X-2, which paint their female characters as trigger-happy 'riot grrls' who would rather wear a thong than a kimono, and instead of doing something meaningful like fighting the ghost of their father's friend who has become a lynx-monster and is trapped in an eternal sea where time stands still, they play "Pretty princess dress-me-up" - or, as I call it, "Pretty princess dress-me-up like a cheap whore". Without any men to rein them in, they act on their base urges, and the whole thing is a slap in the face for true fans!
Any RPG with a female lead character is going to be terrible, because women have no self-control and are physically inferior to men (it has been theorised that 1% of women are stronger than 1% of men, but I have never seen any evidence of this). Games which go against this (Baldur's Gate, which allowed the creation of female warriors O_o) lack verisimilitude (look it up), and are thus not worth playing. If you are desperate to see a "liberated" woman, then you can damn well turn off your Playstation and watch "Ally McBeal"!
