Although I often fall out of my chair when confronted with the mind-blowing plot twists of true RPGs like Xenogears, Xenosaga Episode 1 and Xenosaga Episode 2, it is not often that I fall out of my chair when reading a magazine. Unless the magazine has a mind-blowing plot twist in it, in which case I would not only fall out of my chair, but immediately crawl to my PC and let that magazine know exactly what I think of their trigger-happy handling of spoilers! Yet, while visiting my plebeian (look it up) friend Darren's house, a copy of PSM made me do just that.
"Tony", he slurred with the scant eloquence his cro-magnon form could muster, "check it out. Final Fantasy X-2 gives you the airship at the start, there's no world map, and it has missions instead of a linear storyline". Naturally assuming that he was wrong and had confused it with a lesser game, I snatched the magazine from his simian hands and prepared to list his mistakes in point form. Yet, he wasn't wrong at all (for the first and only time)! I fell out of my chair, landing face-first in last night's pizza. He laughed. Slapstick is for children.
Collecting my senses and brushing the anchovies out of my hair, I read on further. I do not make a habit of reading videogame magazines, as I prefer to get my information first-hand from inside sources who are thoughtful enough to post on Gamefaqs. Sadly, I had been out of the loop for a good while after being banned when I had threatened several posters with violence after they rated Ultros as their #1 Final Fantasy villain, so the barrage of Final Fantasy X-2 'facts' hit me like a barrage of betrayals! Everything about this game was a betrayal of the series, the genre, and true fans. I will focus on the gameplay aspects, as the fact the main characters are not only female, but dressed like floozy whore sluts, deserves its own column (or ideally, its own inquest!).
Firstly, there is the issue of the world map. I am not old fashioned, but traditions should never be altered regardless of whether they fit the game or not. The world map is important because it makes the gamer appreciate just how large, well-developed and believable the game's world is in a way that can never, ever be accomplished by any other form of media, including ones that don't exist yet. "But it does have a map, Tony. It just cuts out the random encounters along the way because you're flying". I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! "You misguided fool", I chuckled derisively, "Those random encounters are the price we pay for being true RPG gamers! If travel can be accomplished quickly and easily, then anyone could play the game, not only those who are willing to put in an extra hour of random encounters and turn-based combat in order to reach the next town!". Darren muttered something about that "being the point", but he had clearly failed to realise that I had already made a number of far more important points already!
Then there is the heresy that is "missions". It is sad that we need to remind ourselves that the purpose of videogames is to tell stories that are too complicated for any other medium, with the possible exception of Anime. Reducing the game to a series of missions and giving the player - give me strength! - a choice in their order completely destroys any narrative momentum the story could hope to build! Final Fantasy X, despite being a truly awful entry in the series, was still a startlingly mature love story and examination the relationship between father and son after one has turned into a monster and destroyed the world. If only the masses would lower their noses and experience this instead of candy-coated Julia Roberts vehicles like Notting Hill and Closer! And yet, Final Fantasy X-2 treads all over this with a story about a jealous contestant from a fantasy version of American Idol. Or should that be American Idle Losers Who Just Want T&A Instead Of An Important Storyline? I think we all know the answer to that. And if you don't, then I might just fall out of my chair again!
"Gunner's Gauntlet" made me want to puke. The game was a shallow Tomb Raider ripoff as it was, and this frankly ludicrous reliance on reflexes only served to hammer home how far the mighty have fallen. RPG's are the hobby of the intellectual, who takes time to consider whether they should use fire magic against a monster made of ice, or heal themselves if they're going to die otherwise. Action games like Half Life and Mario Brothers are the hobby of the slacker in need of a quick "hammer the buttons as fast as possible without thinking" fix. Sorry, I would rather involve myself in a thought-provoking storyline and deeply strategic combat than see how fast I can move my index finger (very, but that is beside the point!). "I dunno, it sounds fun" said Darren with the conviction of a cult member who has been brainwashed by fancy FMV sequences and virtual sluts "I mean, it isn't like these games are that hard. You only ever lose when you want to see what the game over screen looks like. Maybe a bit that was actually challenging would--" "Clearly the fact you own a Gamecube has eroded your mind!" I snapped back "Final Fantasy VIII required you to tap R1 in time with Squall's attacks in order to inflict more damage. This should be more than enough for those highschool jocks who want to show up their 'mad skillz'! It's no wonder they're so emotionally stunted, never having experienced loss by watching Tellah die in Final Fantasy IV". Darren said nothing, clearly unable to refute my intelligent and concisely argued points.
I loathe Final Fantasy X-2 so much that I don't even need to play it to know it's the worst game ever made. All this 'innovation' has done is to make the game accessible to slackers and commoners who could never hope to appreciate the complexity and depth of true RPGs. If you're such an idiot that you think videogames need exciting, challenging gameplay to succeed, then I suggest you buy an imagination!
