| A TRUE RPG GAMER CHRISTMAS |
| By Anthony R Womble, True RPG Gamer |
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It was the evening of December 26th, and I was watching a bad science fiction movie ironically. "Well those effects are good!" I said, which was an extremely witty thing to say, as the effects were not very good at all! Sadly, there was nobody around to hear this, as I had recently been banned from the local Cineplex after making a number of equally pointed observations during the lowbrow summer blockbuster Revenge of the Sith, which was not science-fiction, but science farce! Not only were my observations about this travesty factually accurate, but I spent the previous night browsing a collection of message boards to make sure I didn't miss any - if this is how the theater management react to the truth, then I for one will gladly never set foot in their fescennine establishment again! Mainstream movies are simply idiotic fodder for the masses anyway, and I prefer to challenge my imagination and beliefs with RPGs or medium-to-high quality Naruto fansubs (the dub is horrendous - it is little wonder the plebs still think Anime is for children).
My thought-provoking reverie (look it up) was interrupted by a knock at the door. Rising from the couch, I facilitated the ingress of my simian acquaintance Darren. "Ooh, you got action figures for Christmas!" he drawled without introducing himself.
"Be so kind as to keep your parasite-ridden hands away from those" I said. "Those are not action figures, they are multi-part posable PVC art statues, although I doubt the uneducated eye - or the uneducated mind - could tell the difference!".
"What is the difference?" he asked in a crude attempt to salvage his lost dignity.
"They're from Japan", I answered, "Things are a little more complicated over there".
"How?"
"I doubt you'd understand".
"How?"
I sighed wearily. "For starters, these are made in Japan, and things are a little more complicated over there. Then there's the fact they're much more expensive, and come in heirloom-quality display boxes rather than crudely affixed to a piece of common or garden cardboard. They are also only available at specialty import shops, not the festering neon monument to consumerism that is Toys R Us!"
"I'm pretty sure I've seen those there", he replied incorrectly.
"They do not", I corrected him, "and I should know, as earlier this year I was reduced to systematically checking each aisle when Hurricane Katrina delayed my pre-ordered copy of Killer 7. I demanded compensation, but the Red Cross' email server was apparently non-functional". His blank expression said more than words ever could.
"So, what did you do over Christmas?" asked Darren, changing the subject to avoid further embarrassment.
"Christmas!", I scoffed. "Capitalism-Gone-Mad-Mas is a far more pertinent appellation! I was able to forget about it, though, as guiding Cloud through the Midgar reactor, examining the photorealistic surroundings and being fascinated by his distant and remorseful personality was enough to distract me from the party going on downstairs. Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday...
"I think it's very selfish of you", squawked my mother from downstairs, "to stay in your bedroom all day playing that damn computer game while your whole family is here for Christmas".
"I tired of this incessant babbling, mater!", I replied, my patience at its end, "It is a well known fact among intellectuals that Christmas was created by the Coca Cola corporation in order to sell cards, and I will not have a part of this! If the real meaning of Christmas was to love one another and experience spiritual enlightenment, then I am doing more than everyone in this house combined! Unlike slackers and jocks, I do not play video games to fill in time or to prove my superiority, but to experience and feel things that are just as poignant, if not moreso, than what I feel in the real world. Furthermore, the amount of religious allegory and themes present in Final Fantasy VII make it a far worthier examination of the life of Jesus than any inept Freshman nativity play! Why, I have an alphabetical index of Christ-like traits exhibited by Sephiroth, and it far more than accepted Christ-figures such as Captain Ahab and Magneto!". I was answered only with silence. Satisfied, I returned to exploring Midgar...
...and fascination didn't decrease with my furthering progress, but rather intensified. When Biggs, Wedge and Jessie were crushed beneath the Sector 7 plate, I cried. I don't know why I cried. Outside, earlier that day, it had been forty-two degrees. My tears fell like snowflakes made of sighs, and I thought to myself: I was experiencing loss, learning about the meaning of life and contributing to my own enlightenment. If only our world leaders would pick up an RPG instead of a gun, there would be no war. In many ways, I am lot like Jesus, although not as much as Sephiroth".
"Is this Doctor Octopus?" asked Darren, ineptly pawing at my Solidus Snake multi-part posable PVC art statue.
"It is certainly not, you blithering simpleton! That is Solidus Snake, a cloned supersoldier who was installed as President of the United States by a collection of rules that came to life in the Whitehouse computer and decided to control the world. He's so far removed from the ridiculous and improbable Doctor Octopus that I am disgusted to hear you mention them in the same sentence! And for God's sake put it down before your sweat makes his hair turn yellow!"
He crudely replaced Solidus Snake, although did not bother to stand him correctly, causing him to tumble backward and knock over my Todd McFarlane's Twisted Land of Oz collection. "What's this movie you're watching? It doesn't look that good".
"I'm watching it ironically", I sighed. Sometimes people just don't get it.
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