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Legend of Dragoon is not just bad, it's unpleasant in a horrible, fingernails-on-the-blackboard way. The battle transitions make it look like the screen is slowly decaying after being embalmed and laid to rest in an Egyptian tomb for five thousand years. There's a noticable pause before the battle animations, none of which are worth waiting, let along pausing, for. A guy with white hair and a black cloak shows up and actually says "Perfect. Everything is going according to my plan. Ha ha ha ha", which might look amusingly retarded here, but the ponderously slow text speed makes it torturous. Several sections of the dungeons are repeated, which was understanable in Metroid, but just annoying here, especially since the dungeons are so small. You also had to physically revisit and trudge through the same bloody 'mini dungeon' parts to get anywhere on the map, which also happened in Metroid. And, yes, Metroid still manages to be bigger.
But, despite being terrible, there was something else about it. The hype. The slick, yet soulless feel. The embarrassing imitation of its betters. Lavitz's fucking hair. Was I playing Legend of Dragoon, or listening to Vanilla Ice? Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because they're both exactly the same thing.
Not convinced?
|
LEGEND OF DRAGOON |
VANILLA ICE |
|
Sony Computer
Entertainment deconstructs the elements that make console RPGs
popular, eliminate anything which could be deemed offensive, then
recycles the remainder in a cynical attempt to appeal to the
mainstream western public. |
Nightclub owner
Tommy Quon deconstructs the elements that make rap music popular,
eliminates anything which could be deemed offensive, then recycles
the remainder in a cynical attempt to appeal to the mainstream
western public. |
|
Sony choose to
leave out the definite article in the game's title to make it
sound more Japanese, and thus more credible. |
Robert Van Winkle
chooses to leave out his real name, and instead uses 'Vanilla Ice'
to make himself sound more streetwise, and thus more
credible. |
|
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|
|
Carefully rendered
backgrounds are used to draw attention away from sub-par character
models. |
Carefully
constructed backing tracks are used to draw attention away from
sub-par vocals. |
|
Production team
claims that they weren't influenced by Final Fantasy
VII. |
Vanilla claims he
hadn't heard the bass riff from 'Under Pressure' before recording
'Ice Ice Baby'. |
|
Stilted, clumsy
dialogue quickly becomes unintentionally hilarious, then starts to
grate on your nerves until you end up turning the game
off. |
Stilted, clumsy
lyrics quickly become unintentionally hilarious, then start to
grate on your nerves until you end up turning the CD
off. |
|
One of PSM's top 50
games of all time (2001). |
One of People
Magazine's 50 most beautiful people (1991). |
|
Although
technically better in all respects to Shadow Madness, it's still somehow worse. |
Although
technically better in all respects to Kriss Kross, he's still somehow worse. |
|
Lots of glossy
renders of the main characters are printed in magazines, although
they don't appear in the game. |
Lots of glossy
pictures of Vanilla's hair are printed in the booklet of To
The Extreme, although you can't hear it on any of the
tracks. |
|
Sold a lot of
copies, most of which found their way to second hand shops, and
currently reside next to copies of Superman
64. |
Sold a lot of
copies, most of which found their way to second hand shops, and
currently reside next to copies of Hanson's Snowed
In. |
Any errors can be
attributed to a lack of research and/or me just imagining
shit.
And now, some sort of review!
| GENRE |
"I want an RPG, and I don't
want it good, I want it Tuesday" |
| GRAPHICS |
A mixtured of murky,
indistinct brownish greyish glop and unnaturally shiny trees.
Animation redefines 'stilted'. |
| SOUND |
The only song I can
remember is the 'menu' theme, and only then because it added to
the already ridiculous loading time. Fuck I hate this
game. |
| GAMEPLAY |
You have to do button
combos to do any damage, and, if you're off by 1 / 100 of a
second, you not only do sweet fuck all damage, but you actually
lose HP. It's like Vagrant Story, only it hurts you physically
rather than simply making you look stupid in front of all the
crates and bats. |
| "SONY's FINAL FANTASY VII KILLER" |
Not really, no. FF9, maybe. |
| OVERALL |
Bored highschool kids have made better games on RPGmaker. They've also made substantially worse ones, but saying something is better than "Polaris the Mighty" isn't exactly a glowing endorsement. |
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