SUPER MARIO BROTHERS: THE GODDAMN MILLI VANILLI EPISODE
I'd never bothered writing about this before because, what with the internet already bursting at the seams with nostalgic "humour" sites (since anything more than 15 years old is automatically funny, which saves writers having to, say, try - score!), I figured there were at least a dozen virtual shrines to The Goddamn Milli Vanilli Episode of the Super Mario Brothers animated series. Much to my surprise, there aren't, and I'm at a loss as to why - the only explanation I can think of is that it's from the less-popular animated series that nobody cares about because it doesn't have Lou Albano in it. For all we know, Vanillia Ice was a recurring character in the other other Mario Brothers animated series and Sonic lived with Five Star, but nobody can bring themselves to actually sit through something so mesmerically tedious without a fat ex-wrestler to cheer things up.
I digress. Without further ado:
"KOOTIE PIE ROCKS"
By Phil Harnage & Martha Moran
Starring Rob & Fab as Themselves
"Next stop, the real world, New York city, and my favourite music group! Hey guys, why so formal? We're going to a Milli Vanilli concert, not a symphony!"
Oh, that silly Toad has gotten them all dressed up for nothing! But never fear, because "The audience will be so busy looking at Milli Vanilli that they won't notice what you're wearing!". You're wearing a crown, Princess; let's see you lecture us on appropriate dress when some poor kid has his eyes gouged out by your regal bling.
Meanwhile, at Castle Koopa, Kootie Pie isn't happy that Princess Toadstool gets to go to a concert and she doesn't, stroppy little Mafia princess that she is. Are the Koopas actually based on the Mafia? They're a family-run crime syndicate who speak (mostly) with Italian accents and are controlled by a patriarch with a raspy voice. Bowser even encases Mario in concrete and drops him in the sea in another episode, and the Goombas trapped inside blocks are clearly supposed to represent Jimmy Hoffa's corpse. Anybody who says that games are just for kids is very wrong indeed.
So, yes, that'll be Milli Vanilli, then. They come out on stage to thunderous applause, and it turns out that Princess Toadstool was right: Nobody notices Mario and Luigi's clothing, because they're too busy looking at Milli Vanilli. They also don't notice that there's a 3' tall talking mushroom with arms and legs in the crowd. He isn't even wearing sunglasses!
It's here that the needle on the irony-o-meter points to "DANGER ZONE". See, the episode originally had Milli Vanilli performing "Girl, You Know It's True" on stage. Except that, after the whole not-actually-singing-on-their-albums scandal broke, they removed the song and replaced it with the series' stock "Running around in a wacky manner" music. What this means is that Milli Vanilli come out on stage, open their mouths and nothing comes out.
This frankly magnificent spectacle is, sadly, interrupted after a few seconds, when...
"This is terrible! Milli Vanilli have been koop-napped!"
"Hey, who iz behind zis mondo bizarro joke?" asks Fab, when confronted with Kootie-Pie's attempt at being a groupie. "Ja, I don't dig tails und scaly lips!" adds Rob. One thing's for certain: Kootie Pie isn't going to get a private concert. This, predictably, makes her angry.
What follows might possibly be one of the greatest things ever committed to video, ever.
"I'll turn you into... into... accountants!"
"Accountants! Zat is a good one! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Oh no! Ve are ne-erds! Ve are dveebs! Zis is terrible!"
"If we don't turn those two accountants back into Milli Vanilli, I'll never hear my favourite music again!"
Let's just give that a minute or so to sink in.
"Ve can't sing for you vithout a band", explains Rob, allowing the spirit of irony to finally achieve corporeal form. This gives Mario an idea: Mario and friends will impersonate a band of travelling musicians, pose as Milli Vanilli's backing band and rescue them.
The band they end up impersonating is apparently The Runaway Five from
Earthbound, but Kootie Pie falls for it anyway, and turns Rob & Fab back into "normal people". Rob suggests they perform GURL YOU KNOW EEZ TROO, and everybody escapes while Kootie Pie is busy dancing.
"You vouldn't believe vhere ve've been. But ve're back, zanks to zome new friends! Zis one is for a real princess! One and a two and a..."
"Next stop, the real world, New York city, and my favourite music group! Hey guys, why so formal? We're going to a Milli Vanilli concert, not a symphony!"
So, yes, that'll be Milli Vanilli, then. They come out on stage to thunderous applause, and it turns out that Princess Toadstool was right: Nobody notices Mario and Luigi's clothing, because they're too busy looking at Milli Vanilli. They also don't notice that there's a 3' tall talking mushroom with arms and legs in the crowd. He isn't even wearing sunglasses!
"Ve can't sing for you vithout a band", explains Rob, allowing the spirit of irony to finally achieve corporeal form. This gives Mario an idea: Mario and friends will impersonate a band of travelling musicians, pose as Milli Vanilli's backing band and rescue them.
