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I LIVE FOREVER!
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My three-and-a-half-year stint as a staff member of RPG Maker Downloads was, on the whole, not an entirely positive experience. It was worth it, though, if only because I found I Live Forever!, which may well be the single most batshit insane thing ever created in the whole history of time. It's such a perfect object that even trying to describe it robs it of its power, so I'll just try and walk us through it at a safe distance.
The above is the first thing you see when you start up I Live Forever!, which has no title screen or introduction. You control the ninja, whose name is "Hosamov of Chocolate Mountain", and your purpose is to... I honestly have no idea. Maybe I_Live_Forever.doc holds the answer.
My motto “I Live Forever!” actually started at my friend’s house by making a game. The games name was called I LIVE FOREVER! YAY!! But, There is a new version being made now because it somehow got erased. Now I’ve decided to use this theme because it has so much meaning because, I do live forever. Do you?
...Mmm. On second thought, let's try hints.txt instead.
Every cup in the game so far is a transport.
Later in the game when you see yourself upstairs the explenation becomes resolved.
Of course, by "cup", he means "piano".
This is apparently "Chocolate Mountain", and I think Hosamov is meant to go here, even though he's called Hosamov of Chocolate Mountain, which implies he came from there to start with. And who the hell are these giant balloon-headed refugees from another game?
Oh. They're the seven dwarves. Of course. And... And... Christ... Snow White apparently predicted the future and warned them that Hosamov was coming, because... I don't know, since he doesn't do anything besides run into the nearby house in an attempt to escape this bizarre and distressing scene. Touching that piano accomplishes nothing, however.
AH HA! "Later in the game when you see yourself upstairs the explenation becomes resolved"!
That's the entire scene.
Let's give credit where credit's due: It still makes more sense than the resolution of Final Fantasy VII.
Returning downstairs and touching one of the bookcases causes you to fall through an invisible trap door and land in a dungeon, again populated by sprites from a completely different game.
There are no magic teleporting pianos here, so you have to use a shackle and the bottom half of a levitating icicle to escape, which brings you right back to the first screen, except you've got a dragon which you can ride to "Juke Island". I think this may have been your goal all along. Flying around in the dragon also reveals that the entire game is confined to a tiny square in the top-left corner of the world map, the other 90% of which is just water with nowhere to land.
The King renames Hosamov "Kikme of Juke" and sends him off to defeat the monsters on Juke Island. Except, since the monsters only appear on the dark patches of grass, you can just walk straight past them to the other end of the island, where you find the top half of a sword sticking out of the ground. Touch it, and..
That's the end of the game. After this message, the whole mess starts again.
I... I quite honestly have nothing to say. Here's an image file that's included in the directory, but never used.
Happy New Year!
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